Writing help? Just need your opinion please.?

Not bad, as you said it does need some work but a good start... too many colds in the first paragraph, find other words such as "the chill dug into your bones, making you icy all over" If you get stuck, use a thesaurus. Plus too many short sentences, especially for the description of one thing. Try to use other punctuation other than full stop. Hope this helps a bit